From misterw@mindspring.com Sat Jun 2 10:46:45 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Sat, 02 Jun 2001 02:46:45 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] THE WONDER OF EVIL Message-ID: <3B18B5FD.AF78B684@mindspring.com> Dear Mr Wonderful, So here we are, living our happy little lives whilst the world rots away. Oh, sure, it's nothing new. In fact, despite how bad things may be now, they're definitively better than they were, say, 100 or 1000 years ago (thanks also to Mr. Adams for reminding me of the fact that we have these cool digital watches, to boot!). However, there still arises the question of "evil", suffering, cruelty, starvation, and the lot. Well, obviously, there's no question -- it simply exists whether we want it to or not. So, we come back to the oooooooold question of Mr Judeo-Christian god. And you know the old set of Judeo-Christian ethics, and beliefs in said god: "He is Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient, and Omnibenevolent". I'm sure you've had this question before, but, heck, I'd like to know again in case people have forgotten (and now the question): So, obviously, if god is all of the four "O"s as stated above, AND there's "evil" in the world (which there most certainly seems to be according to said Judeo-Christians), there's a paradox. So, either the universe allows for an epimenidesial set of logic, and all's well (and I get to go to hell for disagreeing), or god is not all four of the "O"s at once (and the most likely candidate to be tossed out to avoid the paradox is the Omnibenevolence). Which of the two possibilities is it? I know you have some insider information, so GIVE ME THE SKINNY! Yours, Hellbound _________________ Dear St. Thomas Agnostic, Awww, the world's not so bad. Why, at this very moment, The Cartoon Network is holding their annual "June Bugs" celebration - 48 hours of pure Bugs Bunny cartoons. If that's not a reason to get out of bed in the morning, I don't know what is. Actually, I don't get out of bed in the morning... maybe because I'm up all night worrying about the Problem of Evil. No, I tell a lie. I'm up all night playing "Zone of the Enders" on the Playstation 2 and watching Bugs Bunny cartoons. Here's a better reason to get out of bed in the morning: it's on fire. Which wouldn't happen, as you so rightly point out, if an all-powerful, alleged God were watching over us. How about this - what if God is, yes, Omnipotent, Omniscient and Omnibenevolent (Omnipresent is kind of wrapped into the Omnipotent thing, so we'll leave that out), BUT He is also Omnidistractable. Like, he knows all, and he can do anything and he *really* wants to help but "Ooooh! There's a new episode of Invader Zim on Friday! Yeah, yeah, I'll stop that starvation in Somalia in a minute-- I just gotta get through through Dark Realm level of "Onimusha Warlords". Fuck, that's hard. What? Baby deer on fire in the forest and no one to save it? Okay, we'll go... oh! oh! oh! We need to stop at 7-11 first." He means well, our Eternal Architect, but the little things just keep piling up. And yeah, He can put Time on hold to attend to the many needs of the Universe, but Meta-time is still ticking, and, you know, He's only got these DVD's for a couple more nights, plus the features they pack on these things are just *incredible*, man, it'll take hours to get through 'em all, yes, I know He *knows* all the deleted scenes already, but they're still fun to watch, plus He's been meaning to get out to the City and do some clubbing. Now, contrary to popular opinion, this does not make God the Ultimate Stoner. He's just, well, He's like a writer who began this really great novel with lots of fun and complex characters who mean a lot to Him and it's all plotted out and everything... but He just can't seem to find the time to write the scenes or do the revisions He knows are necessary. But He'll get to it, He swears. Could be worse. We could be in a Hemingway novel. Then God *would* be dead, and we'd keep coming across great splatters of brain matter on the pages of our lives. ********************** MAN OF WONDERFUL/WOMAN OF KLEENEX ********************** -- The New Thing "I'm for anything that gets you through the night, be it prayer, tranquilizers or a bottle of Jack Daniels." -Frank Sinatra *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Sat Jun 2 11:17:24 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Sat, 02 Jun 2001 03:17:24 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] THE GATES OF WONDERFUL Message-ID: <3B18BD2A.C3FFD0CF@mindspring.com> Dear Mister Wonderful, I love you for using the name 'Thermopylae.' What a battle. And speaking of loving you, I've been meaning to send you this query. About a month ago in the Philippines I had a dream that you and I met, fell in love forthwith, and then you got a terminal illness. What do you make of that? Signed, Persian Aversion ____________________ Dear Greek Freak, I think they gotta stop serving those deceptively tasty Mai Tai's at the Manilla Hilton. Well, as long as that poster of me from the 1957 tour is still framed above the bar, that is. I get into more dreams that way... You may be surprised to learn that Mister Wonderful is not allergic to love, nor does the thought of commitment cause him to break out in hives. Minor panic attacks, nothing more. Your dream image of me contracting a terminal illness just to get out of a relationship is sheer fancy. I haven't tried that since 1982, when Annie Lennox wouldn't stop calling. As far as interpreting your dream, it is obvious that you are a fictional character, probably created by Philip K. Dick. You escaped from a short story collection in the Kansas City Public Library and took to the streets with no memory of your origin. You survived the first few months by sucking the ink out of discarded newspapers and telephone books. Eventually you made a semblance of a human life for yourself, never realizing what you truly were. You find yourself strangely attracted to me, but is that because I kill your kind, or because I am just like you? ********************* WAKE UP! TIME TO WONDER ********************* -- The New Thing "Perhaps not everyone will be able to afford a rocketmobile. But everyone will own a set of portable jets, inexpensive rocket-tubes strapped to one's shoulders, which will enable the wearer to soar leisurely aloft at medium speeds." -Unknown author, "Rocket Lanes of Tomorrow" originally presented in REAL FACT COMICS #1 March/April 1946 *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Sun Jun 3 08:17:28 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Sun, 03 Jun 2001 00:17:28 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WONDER DOES VERSACE Message-ID: <3B19E485.C4E5EB36@mindspring.com> Dear Mr Wonderful, What is fashion, and why do I consistently seem to be out of it? Did I spend it all when I was a small child? Could I have put it into a bank and collected interest? What did you do to get yours? What's its APR, and does is it something that Greenspan controls as well? Sincerely, 1983ish _______________ Dear Mr. Mandel, When you think about it, the Bugs Bunny cartoons from the 60's are the weakest. Not counting the 'Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Movie" filler stuff or any of that 'Space Jam' crap, of course. Even the ones Chuck Jones directed are kind of... dumb. That's a hard fact for a Mister like me to face. But face it I shall! Just as you must face the fact that fashion is not something you wear or possess. What is "in" is not fashion; the "in" thing is merely peer pressure, herd mentality, and a way to sell uncomfortable shoes. Fashion exists outside of time and space. It is the *way* one wears whatever it is one happens to wear. Clothes do not make the man - it is the other way 'round. Thus, fashion is always comfortable, always natural, always easy on the eye. It is forever unique. Ever notice how David Bowie has never not looked fucking *great*? That's because he is fashionable. He wears his chameleon soul on the outside, and we respond to that honesty. The point: dressing like Bowie will not make you fashionable - dressing like *you* will make you fashionable. But if you want to get chicks, make sure to wear black. ********************* MONSTERS LEAD THE MOST WONDERFUL LIVES ********************* -- The New Thing "Do you think they're happy going home and saying to their families, 'Hey, guess what, a great thing happened today, we decided to make Megaforce.'" -William Goldman, "Adventures in the Screen Trade" *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Sun Jun 3 09:02:31 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Sun, 03 Jun 2001 01:02:31 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] BOY WONDER Message-ID: <3B19EF0B.1034534D@mindspring.com> Okay, Mr. W. In the Culture Club song "Karma Chameleon" is Boy George singing, "Come-a come- a come- a come -a come-a chameleon, you come and go..." or is it "Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon" and it only sounds like "Come-a" because he has a British accent? I have asked several friends about this and they don't know. And what the hell does the song mean? I have a Glass Menagerie question coming up soon too. I'm just telling you so you can prepare ahead of time. I know what a stressful job you have. ___________________ Dear Limahl, Ummmmmmmmmmm, why would they title the song "Karma Chameleon" if he was singing something else? I mean, I know they were cross-dressing New Wave heroin addicts - but for God's sake man, these are *English* popstars. There *are* rules, you know. As for what the song means, good luck. For those of you who don't remember the New Wave era very clearly, let me point out that it was not a high point for poetry. Bob Dylan was not invited to this party. Lyrics of the time were not obscured by symbolism and erudition, but by the fact that they didn't really matter very much. "Pitched mouth noises" is how I think a better man put it. Songs had to have singers, but nobody cared what they sang as long as you could dance to it with your floppy haircut. I have already begin to prepare for your Glass Menagerie query by laying in a stock of Southern Comfort and Paul Newman photos. Fire away. *********************** THE REFLEX IS THE JOY OF FINDING WONDERFUL IN THE DARK *********************** -- The New Thing "I may be cool Beavis, but I can't change the future." - Butthead, while watching the "Karma Chameleon" video *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Mon Jun 4 12:27:37 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Mon, 04 Jun 2001 04:27:37 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] EGO WONDERFUL Message-ID: <3B1B709A.2E5495EF@mindspring.com> Dear Mr Wonderful, How do I determine my self-worth? Your Pal, Discount Persona __________________ Dear Britney Spears, First, make sure you have a self. Unstoppable collectives and hive minds need not apply. Second, make sure you have values. Even Mister Dark conducts himself according to a code; it mainly revolves around making sure none of the blood gets on his tie, but still. Don't worry about what Society thinks you are worth. Society is largely made up of people you wouldn't hang out with anyway. Self-worth is determined by the resources you have which can further your own goals, coupled with the steps toward those goals you have already achieved. Be generous with yourself. If helping people is something you esteem, don't put yourself down because you haven't developed a cure for cancer; instead, make a list of all the orgasms you have given others. Then make a list of all the orgasms you've given yourself. After all, you're a person, too. The point is to recognize potential as a valid measure of worth. A dollar bill is just a promise of value, yet it will still get you a bus ride. Untapped riches are still rich, for all that. Most of us have a golden soul, even if only some figure out how to wear it as armor. Then again, you're worth about two bucks when broken down into chemicals. That's not counting the water. ************************** OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL WONDER ************************** -- The New Thing "There's no way of stopping the bomb now! What irony! The people of Ceres sent us the spores to help us conquer interplanetary space... and we used one to wipe them out of existence!" -Gardner Fox, "Spores from Space" Originally presented in MYSTERY IN SPACE #1 April/May 1951 *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Tue Jun 5 08:49:10 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Tue, 05 Jun 2001 00:49:10 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WONDERFUL NEWS AND COMMENTARY REVUE Message-ID: <3B1C8EEF.C652AEAE@mindspring.com> ************ Jumping Jinkies! Make way for Mister Wonderful! It is I, your ravishing rabbi of repartee, ready to reveal the salacious skinny on sundry and sordid matters of the mind! Thrill to things thought unthinkable! Witness a whirlwind of wisdom wrought from far flung fantasy castles carved of Query itself! ************ ITEM: Mister Wonderful's e-mail provider has been swallowed by a bigger fish. From now on, please direct your queries, comments, etc. to misterw@mindspring.com ************ ITEM: It looks like www.wonderfullabs.com is now a bust, but stay tuned for further plans. As soon as we whip the Photoshop monkeys into shape, the cafepress.com T-shirts will be available. ************ COMMENT: This one regards "WONDER IS FOR APPLE" (05/24/01), an alphabetic query... >That wasn't you who hurled elegant abecedarian >insults at me while I tortured you to death during >the worst excesses of the French Revolution, was it? ************ Moi? I don't think so. I spent that whole decade bombed out of my mind on Ben Franklin's back porch. ************ COMMENT: "DUST TO WONDER" (05/25/01) concerned the disposal of cremated remains... >Ashes mixed slowly with warm distilled water makes >for an ideal, hard-setting concrete. I have a whole >back patio made of victims. >I was cremating lovebirds for a while, but it takes >hundreds of them just to make one brick. ************ And a big thank you to the President of the Mister Dark Fan Club for that handy home tip. ************ COMMENT: Two responses here. "WONDERFULLY ROMANTIC" (05/26/01) discussed ideal places to live. She said... >HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fresno....gad... ************ And he said... "England's nice. Still, everyone over there is real easy to beat up." >Hmmmm... only if it is consensual. >Otherwise, Englishmen make the best lovers- for gay, >straight, bisexual, anything that takes your fancy. >It's the beer, you know. ************ COMMENT: "WONDERFUL ICHIBAN" (05/27/01) had a contest whose correct answer was "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock". The first person to respond correctly was a lovely young lady (already notified) to whom I shall be delivering the prize in person, but the most *original* answer was this... >Heya Mr W >Couldn't hold myself back on this one!! >Ciseneros is the name, Zapata is the game. >Hmmm... that's gotta be the first time in history >someone introduced Aquaman into the question of self >as an independent source of reality as opposed to >cultural development, but I digress. >Actually, David Gerrold did just as good a job with "A >Season for Slaughter" and his "telepathy" chip >microprocessors as Ciseneros did, and more >interestingly (although perhaps with a bit less >emphasis on the subject itself. >Okay, that's my two bits. >Mad Scientist >P.S. What do I win (if I was the first to respond)? ************ Now *that's* what I call a madman! Take a bow, M.S.! ******************** OFFER EXPIRES WHILE YOU WONDER ******************** -- The New Thing "And back there behind him loomed those architectural fantasies, soaring up like psychedelic mushrooms, millions of bright lights competing with the sun, a line of those weird structures all alone in the flatness, surrounded by Martian desert, as though they'd sprouted from seeds planted in the dead soil by Pan, though actually they'd been planted by Bugsy Siegel, who'd watered them with his blood." -Donald E. Westlake *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Tue Jun 5 09:31:10 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Tue, 05 Jun 2001 01:31:10 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WONDERFUL NEWS AND COMMENTARY REVUE Message-ID: <3B1C98CC.91393F8C@mindspring.com> ************ Round Two...FIGHT! Mister Wonderful delivers more of what you need and plenty that you don't.... ************ ITEM: For those of you playing the Mister Wonderful soundtrack at home, be aware that this is a banner year for music. New albums by Radiohead, Foetus, AND Firewater have got me all squishy. ************ ITEM: Don't forget, Wonderful needs you! Please encourage as many people with pulses as you can possibly pursue to sign up for the Wonderlist. It's free, and not very painful at all. ************ COMMENT: In "WONDERING ABOUT WONDERFUL" (05/30/01), Mister Wonderful alludes to himself as a rambler... >You're an English hiker? Somehow I don't picture you >in a cagoul and balaclava fellwalking in the mizzle >with a flask of milky tea and some Kendal Mint Cake. ************ Oh yeah? Shows what you know. I've milked plenty of mizzle in my time, sure I have. ************ This one's about the fashion query, "WONDER DOES VERSACE" (06/03/01)... >so, how was Versace? ************ A great player, but he never should have left the Rams. ************ COMMENT: The tagline of "BOY WONDER" (06/03/01) seemed to be a Duran Duran lyric, but this reader says... >And I always thought it was >"The Reflex is in charge of finding treasures in the dark." >In fact, it is. ************ So sorry, my copy of "Seven and The Ragged Tiger" is in the closet, buried beneath several musty pounds of "Tiger Beat". It won't happen again. ************ This reader also had something to say about the arbitrary nature of New Wave lyrics... >This is certainly true of most of the groups, >particularly Duran Duran. However, Karma Chameleon, >with its references to colors lighting your dreams >red, gold and green, has a deep hidden subtext. The >aformentioned colors are ones adopted by the Rastafarians, >who have been known to smoke the occasional herb. >The song is in fact, like most pop songs, a paean to the >delights of recreational drug use. ************ Oh man, Boy George and Bob Marley. What a tour that would have been. ************ COMMENT: "EGO WONDERFUL" (06/04/01) measured the worth of a man and found it to be pennies for the constituent chemicals... >Ah, but you're worth hundreds of thousands when sold for parts. ************ You know, I forgot sperm and egg donation, too. It just goes to show that Reductionism is a hollow, hollow philosophy indeed. Whatever that means; I've been huffing atomized mushrooms again. *********************** WHATEVER DOESN'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU WONDER *********************** -- The New Thing "All I'm sayin', is choose the right words... and you can talk a person into just about anything." -John Constantine *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Tue Jun 5 10:06:13 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Tue, 05 Jun 2001 02:06:13 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WONDERFUL SANDANISTA! Message-ID: <3B1CA0FB.524D09DA@mindspring.com> Dear M.W., I think Jessica Alba is far prettier than Salma Hayek (who sometimes looks like she has had one donut too many). Now that I've got your attention...when's the Revolution happening? What role will you and your staff play in it? Who's on the "exempt" list? Signed, Simon Bolivar ________________ Dear Infidel Dog, I don't have time to deal with your petty taunts, d'ya hear? This Alba woman is a mere shadow of the Mexican Love Goddess Supreme, and I could prove it to you with charts and diagrams. I won't though, because I'm above all that. Besides, I likes 'em curvy. Ix-nay on the evolution-ray. Not everyone who reads this column has the secret handshake down, ya dig? Hey, you know what? It'd be pretty cool if we had an Evolution Ray. Like, we could fire it at a gecko and get a chicken. Or blast a monkey into an accountant. Or shoot a Corgi and get a Wookie. Something like that. Mister Wonderful and the associated personages of Wonderful Labs wish to make it clear that they will play no part in the violent overthrow of any government, hierarchy, paradigm, society or lifestyle unless we really, really want to. And since we're not doing that, we don't have to tell you that we'll corrupt the minds of the children first, Chuck. Then we'll invade your dreams. Furthermore, no one is safe. We are those that were and shall be again. Joking, of course. Of course. ********************* YOU REAP WHAT YOU WONDER ********************* -- The New Thing "If I had gone to some really scary high school in Texas or something, I would have been killed and buried somewhere out in the woods by my sophomore year." -Dan Clowes *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Wed Jun 6 09:19:25 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Wed, 06 Jun 2001 01:19:25 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] LAZARUS WONDER Message-ID: <3B1DE74C.8C0D9943@mindspring.com> Dear Monsieur Wonderful, Are you, Mister Dark and Mister Malice immortal? signed, The Phantom Stranger ___________________ Dear Spectre, Oh, I don't know... depends on your perspective, certainly. It's a big Universe out there, lots to do... how you gonna keep 'em down on the farm when they seen a gay Parisian, am I right? I mean, I know there are a couple laws on the books in a few backwards nations that perhaps one or two of us Misters might have slid a dagger in the ribs of, but most of what we do is with consenting adults, well, adults, and - at best - *kinky*, and it's just not *fair* to call us *imm- Oh. Hang on. Little "case of the missing consonant" thing there. Heh. Ummm, you folks go back to what you were doing, I have to go make a quick trans-Atlantic phone call and stop the boys from visiting a church. Well, I say church, but it's more a...whaddayacallit... cathedral. And they're not so much visiting as "collapsing the damned thing on those pissant moralists' heads as a message to *Him* that He had better not fuck around with *us*." But briefly - I wouldn't say we're the other "i" word, either. We're more just sort of inevitable. *************************** THE FIRST ONE'S ALWAYS WONDERFUL *************************** -- The New Thing "Ironically, the only thing that kept me from going insane was the constant repeating of my private mantra, which was 'Yoicks.'" -Woody Allen, "Nefarious Times We Live In" *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Thu Jun 7 07:43:20 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Wed, 06 Jun 2001 23:43:20 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WONDERFUL NEWS AND COMMENTARY REVUE Message-ID: <3B1F2264.DAFA813D@mindspring.com> ************ Mister Wonderful here, unleashing the latest factoids from the Black Lagoon... *********** ITEM: What with our new e-mail provider, we gots us some "free" webspace and have begun to fill it up willy-nilly. Those who enjoy amusing themselves (cuz Lord knows *I* ain't gonna do it) should visit http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw *********** ITEM: http://misterw.home.mindspring.com is also supposed to work, but it don't, not really. *********** ITEM: In a fit of html-frenzy, we've also modestly updated http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23 It now has a working guestbook (supposedly). Be sure to check out the wacky broken counter! *********** COMMENTARY: In "WONDERFUL SANDANISTA!" we hit upon the groovy idea of an Evolution Ray to blast guppies into sharks... >Or shoot an American and get an Englishman. >On the other hand, just shoot the American anyway. *********** Oh, you British. Still haven't gotten over that Tea Party thing, have you? *********** ITEM: I hate video games that require a lot of precision jumping to get through levels. A pox on them! ********************** WHAT THE WONDER IS WRONG WITH ME? ********************** -- The New Thing "In art, context is everything. And this column ain't even close to art." -Molly Ivins *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Thu Jun 7 09:20:36 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Thu, 07 Jun 2001 01:20:36 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] MAXWELL'S WONDER Message-ID: <3B1F3946.C89E334F@mindspring.com> Dear Mr Wonderful, Err, first time writer...long time reader. Yeah, uhm, how come when you're drinking coffee and you're down to the last big gulp...it's been sitting there getting cold for a good ten minutes...you know it's not good any more...you're going to hate it...it's going to attack your mouth and cover your teeth with enduring brown film...BUT YOU DRINK IT ANYWAY!! Why? -- Runny _____________ Dear Juan "Exxon" Valdez, Same reason we drink that last warm swallow of beer in the pint glass: We're punishing ourselves for having enjoyed the rest of it so much. It's that old psycho-sexual anti-pleasure Puritan legacy of guilt come back to bite us once more, doncha know. I tell you, one of these days I'm going to fix the time machine and airdrop 15,000 back issues of "Hustler" over the New England coastline circa 1620. I don't know what kind of alternate reality that will create, but I'd rather like to think the Indian population would be a mite bigger these days. The Italians don't have this problem. They drink their coffee hot, very quickly - and, I might add, they have *very* healthy attitudes about sex. Coincidence? Consider this: the English drink tea. Hmmmmmm, indeed. Of course, the alternate viewpoint is that we drink the dregs because we are desperate alcoholic caffeine junkies obsessively self-medicating regardless of the actual toll taken on our bodies and minds. But I blame that on the Puritans, too. ************************* WONDERFUL TO THE LAST DROP ************************* -- The New Thing "They believe that any portion of power confided to me will be exerted in opposition to their schemes. And they believe rightly; for I have sworn upon the altar of God, eternal hostility against any form of tyranny over the mind of man." -Thomas "Deist and Slave Owner" Jefferson *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Thu Jun 7 10:31:53 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Thu, 07 Jun 2001 02:31:53 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WONDERFUL HILL Message-ID: <3B1F49EF.9122825D@mindspring.com> Dear Internet Answer Guy, I need help. I keep having nightmares of being back in the 'Nam.... Charlie in his black pajamas poppin' out anywhere and everywhere. I have flashbacks of me and my M16....a couple of grenades...against a whole platoon of NVA regulars...and I'm wearing a push-up bra and cute red panties. Problem is....I'm only 20 years old...I've never served in the Armed Forces much less in Vietnam. What the hell is my problem? Signed, Militia Milt _______________ Dear Mr. McVeigh, You know... I was just thinking to myself: Where would you people go if I didn't exist? I mean, Dear Abby couldn't handle this. Ann Landers died 2 years ago. Marilyn Vos Savant would run crying to her Ayn Rand Shrine. Dan Savage is cool, but he's got his hands full of chunky man meat all the time. One Advice Columnist, One Mister Wonderful, stands alone atop Mount Olympus ready to tackle the queries that come from the left field of the Twilight Zone. And why? Because then I can shout "APE LAW!" at will, and it doesn't seem out of place. Plus I don't think Miss Manners gets to drink on the job. APE LAW! Anxiety dreams often take the form of semi-nude encounters with hostile forces. Usually it's just walking past all the popular kids on your way to high school naked(*), but you, my friend, were brought up during the Rambo-Bush Era - no doubt coloring your imagination. Ummmm, media and nostalgia being what they are, I do feel it incumbent upon me to point out to young people that the Americans *lost* the Vietnam War. You could have a perfectly good anxiety dream dressed in full battle gear commanding a tank squadron; you'll still get your ass kicked. Save your cross-dressing anxieties for dreams of KKK rallies or meeting Alec Baldwin. You know he'll do anything in a skirt. ********************* IT'S LATE IN THE WONDER ********************* (*) Hi Chynna! -- The New Thing "Future events like these will affect you in the future!" -Plan 9 From Outer Space *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Fri Jun 8 09:09:35 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Fri, 08 Jun 2001 01:09:35 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] AN INSPIRED WONDERFUL Message-ID: <3B208839.F33C06D@mindspring.com> Dear M.W., I think Mister Dark's overt hostility is a manifestation of his latent homosexuality. My guess is his "gayness" only surfaces when he's loaded with Black Russians. Has he ever hit on Mr. Malice or yourself? Signed, Fan of Will and Grace _____________________ Dear Suddenly Uninsurable, Hell, you'd be gay too, you got a load of the black Russians work down the loading bay. Tight buns, steely muscles and all the myths are true... Ahhh, Dmitri. It can never be. He dresses well, I grant you. But aside from the usual threats to place objects in a solar-free zone which I doubt were meant to be taken literally, Mister Dark has never "made a move" on any of us here at the Labs. He just hates everyone because he's unredeemably mean and nasty. To attribute Mister Dark's hostility to latent homosexuality is to besmirch the reputations of closets everywhere. Not to mention the fact that it's totally impossible. Current Gay Physics suggests that Same-Sex Attraction, when repressed, will manifest in Mental Aberration as a direct function of the attraction and the amount of pressure it's under, just like enough matter squeezed into a tiny enough space will explode. To get Mister Dark's level of hatred, he'd have to be (ready?) gayer than Liberace and Elton John watching a Russell Crowe film while licking fudgsicles in a lavender Cabriolet on a double-date with the Hardy Boys AND he'd have to have been raised by the Great Santini. Mister Dark was raised by wolves. So that's *that* settled. ******************** IT'S RAINING WONDER, HALLELUJAH ******************** -- The New Thing "All of the characters, corporations, religions, nations, philosophies, political viewpoints, events and makeup in this novel are fictional and are not intended to portray anything in the world as we know it. None of the characters represents the author's personal opinions, which are, in any event, not quite yet organized into publishable form." -Donald Westlake *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Fri Jun 8 09:49:47 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Fri, 08 Jun 2001 01:49:47 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WONDER IN YOUR CUP Message-ID: <3B20919F.D1D0C33A@mindspring.com> Dear Mister W, I think my boyfriend loves me, but he hasn't ever made me breakfast in bed. You know, the morning *after*. So, does he really love me? Or am I wanting too much (aside from the great sex he already provides)? Thank you, A Collins Girl _________________ Dear Hungry Like The Wolf, The morning after what? he asked innocently, blinking his eyes once or twice and settling comfortably into his lab coat. Oh, wait, sex! Yes, I'm sorry, you mention it right here in your final query. Hmmm, well... we don't deal with that sort of thing around here much at all, you understand. Perhaps you could describe what sort of sex this is, which you think is so "great". In detail. With illustrations. Blink, blink. Oh, all right, fine. It's been... a lean spring. You can't blame a Mister for trying. Of course your boyfriend loves you! Good lord, woman! The *lack* of breakfast is your biggest clue! Shocking revelation here, but I'll come right out with it: Breakfast in bed is a sign of sexual dysfunction. If a man truly loves a woman he will make love to her until she is a shuddering wreck and he exhausted beyond the nightmares of Sisyphus. You can't expect him to wake up the next morning and cook. He shouldn't even be able to wake up the next afternoon and dial out for pizza. True love means dedication! Means endurance! Means expensive hip replacements! But dammit, it's worth it. His love is in the words he uses to woo you, the hands he uses to hold you, the passion he uses to sustain you, not in the pathetic kitchen alchemy of bacon and eggs. That's strictly for amateurs. ********************** A MAN'S GOTTA DO WHAT A WONDERFUL'S GOTTA DO ********************** P.S. You tell him from me that he owes me one. -- The New Thing " ....Remember, metaphors are not "reality." (What's that?) My love is not, in most ways, like a red, red rose. Still, the words make her blush and bloom." -Charles Harper Webb, 'Subatomic Particles' *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Sat Jun 9 09:30:41 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Sat, 09 Jun 2001 01:30:41 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] COMEDY OF WONDERS Message-ID: <3B21DE9F.AB3FE197@mindspring.com> Dear W, I've fallen in love with a beautiful (but lesbian) stand up comedian. I'm a male heterosexual (I like beer and baseball). What should I do? Signed, Pedro Martinez ________________ Dear Ben Stiller, In love with lesbians? Oh, don't get me started. Like a starving rabbi at the International House of Bacon, me with these women. It's ridiculous. I cry myself to sleep five nights out of seven. But as far as your little note is concerned, three things leap to mind: 1) Male homosexuals enjoy beer and baseball, too. Otherwise there wouldn't be gay bars, there'd just be gay parks or gay supermarkets or whatever. 2) Just for you, my next album is titled "Beautiful (but lesbian)". 3) Is this a comedian you know, or one you saw on TV? Is it anyone *we* know? Is it... Paula Poundstone? Is it? Is it? What you should do is move to Tibet and shave your head. Get to know some farm animals, breathe some mountain air, eat some dung. You know what? You could shave your head here, save on having to do it with chipped volcanic glass. What I'm saying is, YOU HAVE NO HOPE. Not only is this woman smarter than you, prettier than you, more confident and sharply dressed than you, she's a lesbian! Not bi, not curious, not for you! End of story! You know that movie "Chasing Amy"? Yeah. That was bullshit. Ohhhh, listen. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh. Look, if you can't get a flight to Tibet, just come around to the Labs and we'll get drunk and shave your head here. *********************** WHAT PART OF WONDERFUL DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? *********************** -- The New Thing "C is for the casanova U's unglued and never over N is for the noose you knotted T is for the tears i blotted..." -Foetus, "heuldoch #7B" *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Sat Jun 9 11:14:24 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Sat, 09 Jun 2001 03:14:24 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WORLD'S MIGHTIEST WONDER Message-ID: <3B21F6E3.51BD288E@mindspring.com> Dear Mr. Wonderful: What "Elders" do you consult with before dispensing your powerful wisdom? SHAZAM!!......ouch. --Billy _________________ Dear Boy in a Man's Body, And the old man said, "Now, sometimes someone will give you a set-up that leads directly into an alcoholism joke. Don't buy into it! That is the way of the tired and lazy." I looked up at him, looked at the ancient knowledge in his eyes, and I said, "Yeah, well, that's fine for you, gramps, but what about those of us who *are* tired and lazy?" A tremor rippled through his dove-white beard. "Don't be a smart-ass, either." "What am I supposed to do, then? Retort with drollery? Why am I in this cave, anyway? I thought I was gonna learn all the mysteries of the universe and stuff. You're just picking apart my style." "Not so, young man. Your talent is swift and fierce, but it cannot penetrate the mysteries without help. You must learn to call upon the great heroes of the mind for to weave your humorous advice. Indeed--- W! for Wotan, who paid for wisdom with an eye O! for Odin, who is Wotan signing into hotels with hookers. N! for Nabokov, nudge nudge, wink wink. D! for Dante, the poet primus. E! for Eris, the fundamental chaos. R! for Ra, whose pitiless gaze sees all knowledge F! for Falstaff, a fat bastard never at a loss for words. U! for Ulysses, wily wandering trickster. L! for Loki, cross-dressing hastener of Ragnarok. This, WONDERFUL, shall be your sign and sigil, your magic word of destiny!" "And this is supposed to help, is it? Couldn't you just buy me an encyclopedia?" And that's why I still flinch when I see old men today. ************************ THE WONDERFUL IS BACK ************************ -- The New Thing "You can't sleep until noon with the proper elan unless you have some legitimate reason for staying up until three (parties don't count)." -Jean Kerr, introduction, "Please Don't Eat the Daisies" *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Sun Jun 10 10:13:15 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Sun, 10 Jun 2001 02:13:15 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] SEAN "PUFFY" WONDERS Message-ID: <3B233A22.A9322C6@mindspring.com> Dear Sir W., I have this strange fetish that troubles me. I get extremely turned on by the sight of an attractive woman smoking a cigarette. The way she'll bring the long white tobacco stick to her lips, how she draws on it as her cheeks hollow, and then......ooooooohh....the exhale as the smoke streams from her lips. I know smoking is terribly unhealthy....yet I have this fetish. What will I do? Signed, Son of the Marlboro Man _________________ Dear Johnny One-Lung, You know who Mister Wonderful has recently decided is really hot? Tina Fey, the newslady on Saturday Night Live. You wanna know why? Because she has a scar on her cheek, just there. I bet it's a dueling scar. Smoking is indeed an unhealthy habit, but so is sex, really, what with all the people carrying concealed handguns these days. Mmmm, dueling women. In pigtails. Sigh.... Hzzzrgh....huffah? I don't want another monkey, dad... Sorry! I'm awake! I'm awake! Ummm, yes, so it is clear to us here at the Labs that you have a fear of commitment. You're attracted to women who exhibit dangerous behavior. Why? So that they'll kick off in a couple years and let you get a newer model. It's the dating equivalent of leasing, friend. You want the thrill of ownership, but only in the short-term. The unfortunate twisty bit is that you are afraid women will reject *you* in the long term, due to your deep-seated self-esteem issues and the lousy dame who done you wrong. Being sexually attracted to self-destructive habits is *actually* betting that they'll be cold in the ground before they notice how dull you are. Not a pretty picture, I agree. But fear not. Within a few years Virtual Reality technology will allow men like you to have meaningful, lasting relationships without ever getting out of your chairs. Something to live for, I say. ****************** HEY NONNY WONDERFUL ****************** -- The New Thing "And, don't forget the bigger your club, the more fun shopping next year." -The Glastonbury Bank and Trust Company Christmas Club ad, 1976 *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Sun Jun 10 10:38:50 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Sun, 10 Jun 2001 02:38:50 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WONDERDILLA Message-ID: <3B23401D.CF6AA69D@mindspring.com> Dear Mr. Wonderful: I just ate an entire large block of sharp-cheddar cheese...is that just wrong? Will I be all right? ---Jerry _______________ Dear Ratso, You know, just this once, for you, I think I'm going to make a referral. I want you to see a colleague of mine, an expert in this sort of thing. What you need to do is call and get a psychic tarot reading from Mistress Cleo. You know, the one with the on-again off-again Jamaican accent? Her. She looks like she knows her way around cheese. Lord, that woman cracks me up. Of course, you call about cheese and you'll probably discover that your husband has been stealing money from you and cheating with a Mexican babysitter because the Ten of Wands is in the House of Mars, but hooooooo, it'll be worth it for those of us at home. *********************** JUST CALL ME WONDERFUL OF THE MORNING *********************** -- The New Thing "There is a moving depiction of shamanic self-sacrifice in the movie Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan." -Robert Moore & Douglas Gillette, "The Magician Within: accessing the shaman in the male psyche" *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Mon Jun 11 09:10:17 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Mon, 11 Jun 2001 01:10:17 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WONDERFUL SAYS... Message-ID: <3B247CE8.FF0300E6@mindspring.com> Dear Mr. Wonderful: Louie Anderson. Explain. --Richard Dawson _________________ Dear Family Food, At least he's not Kevin Meaney. ***************** LET'S PLAY THE WONDER! ***************** -- The New Thing "I've always been a big supporter of the constitutional right of the people to peacefully assemble and petition government for redress of grievances. It's just that I never envisioned it taking the form of thousands of people screaming, 'You asshole, you asshole,' at me." -Lowell Weicker *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Mon Jun 11 10:02:35 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Mon, 11 Jun 2001 02:02:35 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] THE WONDERFUL'S POET Message-ID: <3B248925.945991C@mindspring.com> Mr. W, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" is one of the worst poems ever! T. S. Eliot was just a pretentious poet who wrote footnotes for his poems much longer than his actual poems. The rhyming scheme is so silly. "Women come and go talking of Michelangelo. Do I dare do I dare comb over my hair?" Or something like that. I read a few lines to my dad and asked him who he thought wrote it and he answered delightfully and confidently, "Dr. Seuss." Please... why do people think that T. S. Eliot writes good or enjoyable poetry? Yuck yuck yuck yuck. It's like "The Emperor's New Clothes." The poem has been so praised that if anyone says they don't know what the big deal is, everyone will think something is wrong with that person. And with that poem, was Eliot making silly rhymes on purpose? When I asked my English teacher that, she replied, "Umm- I never heard anyone say that before." Enlighten me, Mr. Wonderful. Love, Shelley and cummings were pretty damn good. ___________________ Dear mermaid calling each to each, No, no... you go on digging. We're going to need that hole later. First off, poetry is an art, art is subjective, no one is right or wrong here, it all comes down to taste, but *boy*, are you missing the boat on this one. Like, the boat sailed yesterday and you're still bobbing up and down in the harbor, a worried look on your face because you've been nuzzled by carp. Eliot's reputation does not rest on "Prufrock" (which, like most of his poems, has no footnotes, btw). What makes Thomas Stearns Eliot "Eliot" is that he wrote "The Waste Land", a cacophanous fugue of time and memory that walked right up to the doors of Poetry and blew the fucking hinges off. Glorious, dismal, experimental, erudite (footnoted, yes), modern, mythic and lovely, "The Waste Land" was a magic spell for the Twentieth Century. A bespectacled bank clerk tapping into the world soul to help understand his mad wife is not pretentious. *I'm* pretentious. He's a damn genius. "Prufrock" deals with the little man inside the genius who is only mortal and never partook of the apotheosis. But as a seductive double-agent in Istanbul once told me, comparing "Prufrock" to "Waste Land" is like comparing Stephen King to Shirley Jackson. "Prufrock" begins with wonderfully morbid images, shows a sadness deeply ingrained in the whole piece, is constantly aware of mortality. The sing-song rhyme is ironic, is part of the dementia of the narrator, is *anything* but a measure of the poet's metrical skills. Look, try reading it in the slow voice of man reaching middle-age with nothing to show for it, the sheer absurdity of existence increasing the horrible weight of every syllable. Phew... hey, do me a favor, would you? Next time you see me headed for this soapbox, you just take a swing at me with the broom, 'kay? *************** WONDER IS THE CRUELLEST MONTH *************** -- The New Thing "Let me start this discussion by pointing out that I am not antigun. I'm pro-knife." -Molly Ivins on the 2nd Amendment *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Mon Jun 11 11:05:08 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Mon, 11 Jun 2001 03:05:08 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] PRITHEE, LORD WONDERFUL Message-ID: <3B2497C3.C589D6A8@mindspring.com> Dear Mr. Wonderful: Why are Renaissance Fairs so popular? Sincerely, Arthur _____________ Dear Lance-a-lotta Pasta, Where else can one go to receive secret instructions from the Elf King and the Goblin Prime Minister? Not to mention those tasty turkey legs. Mmmm-mmm. No, for serious now, people enjoy going to Renaissance "Faires" because it's just like spending the day at a great amusement park like Six Flags or Disneyland, but you can dress up as Friar Tuck if you want. Yes, you get all the crowds, the walking around, the sweating, and the cranky kids of a real summer theme park experience - only there are no rides, the toilets are outdoors, the food isn't inspected, and once you're in the gates there's nothing to do but buy glittery crap from people who can't make change, m'lord. On the plus side, if you drink a lot of beer and pass out in the sun, they don't send Goofy over to kick you behind some scenery. Truly, these celebrations of cultures past are a fine and noble tradition of civilization. The Ancient Greeks even used to hold "Egyptian Phairs", wearing little loincloths, selling alligator keychains, that sort of thing. No, they didn't, actually, and they were a lot smarter than us. It's a total wash. Sigh. Rennaissance "Faires" are popular because *everything* is the opiate of the masses. ********************** RIGHTWISE BORN KYNGE OF ALL WONDYRE ********************** -- The New Thing "The secret of happiness is this: let your interests be as wide as possible, and let your reactions to the things and persons that interest you be as far as possible friendly rather than hostile." -Bertrand Russell, 'The Conquest of Happiness' *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Tue Jun 12 09:36:41 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2001 01:36:41 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WILL WONDER FOR FOOD Message-ID: <3B25D48C.5A6D9E4B@mindspring.com> Dear Mr. Wonderful: If you could have any job in the universe besides the one you have now, what would it be? --Job Hunters.Com ___________________ Dear Mr. Lipton, Professional skateboarder. Look, when you're already a polymath Renaissance Jack-of-All-Trades there aren't a lot of directions to move in. I might also enjoy the life of an NHL Goalie; the interns tell me I'm limber enough. The only thing holding me back is that Todd McFarlane refuses to design my mask. Cristo is willing to do the skateboard, though. It'll be fifteen feet wide with a forty foot rubberized pink plastic sheet trailing behind it. Air jets along the edges will fire lime green ping pong balls into the crowd as I "shred", and parasols attached to the wheels give it a "Ben Hur" feel. I'm very excited. ******************** DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT WONDERFUL ******************** -- The New Thing "If you're such an expert in being a lesbian, why are you turning me on?" -Stephen Colbert to a GLAAD spokesperson on the Daily Show, 6/11/01 *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Tue Jun 12 10:13:20 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2001 02:13:20 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] ANATOMY WONDER Message-ID: <3B25DD20.86F79B24@mindspring.com> Mr. Great and Powerful Wonderful, Do you have an innie or an outie? __________________ Dear Space Invader, That depends on who's asking, and what they're rubbing at the time. See that? That's sounds totally lascivious, but it's really quite stupid. The double entendre falls apart, unless I'm some sort of morphing hermaphrodite. And with the way those yahoos in the Omni-Sexual Development Lab burn through grant money it's doubtful I ever will be. It's a single entendre, anyway. Belly buttons don't react to stimulation. I don't know why I bother waking up in the afternoon. And the old line about not having an umbilical cord because I sprang fully formed from my own forehead just won't float anymore. Too many cocktail party madames exchanging notes, I guess. So, yeah, straight answer: In 1982 I had my belly button replaced with a miniature black hole so I wouldn't have to buy batteries for my Walkman. I have an innie so in that not even light can escape. I assure you, though: aside from a few dislocated tongues, it's worked out fine. ***************** WHO'S THAT KID WITH THE WONDERFUL COOKIE? ***************** -- The New Thing "Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels." -Hebrews 13:1-2 (King James Bible) *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Sat Jun 16 10:25:04 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Sat, 16 Jun 2001 02:25:04 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] QUESTIONS AND WONDERS Message-ID: <3B2B25EA.FB2F2BE3@mindspring.com> Dear Mr. Wonderful, Falcor was the luck dragon in Neverending Story. That mountain man calls me in the middle of the night and tells me he has fantasies of deflowering me. But he's a brilliant musician. Yikes. Should I bother, or should this be a red flag? I also met a man at Renaissance Faire who made me fairy horny and his name was Question and his e-mail address is QuestionsNipples@-----.com. Is this bad too? I had to get another book, that was out of print, by the same author of Neverending Story, Michael Ende, called Momo. _________________ Dear.... you, It's not a red flag, dear, it's a skull and crossbones. Thank you for throwing the tall glass of surrealism in my face, by the way. I don't know how I could have gotten back to work without it. I mean, I'd been trying crispy salmon skin on a stick with beer for a couple days, but I just couldn't get the Wicked Kneeslapper(tm) Engine going. You, um, from now on, you should maybe try to pick up men somewhere else. Like, maybe from an old folks home or something. Yeah. I'm just throwing ideas out here, none of this is gospel, but what I'm sensing is that maybe you need a safety zone, a little trial area to sow your wild oats without fear of catching mange. Then again, you're the reader who said she'd prefer to date Blaine over Ducky, aren't you? That's something I don't know if I can help. Better have another beer. All outta crispy salmon skin. But okay, keep reading good books, stay away from NippleBoys, don't encourage the Hairy Mozart anymore, and maybe, just maybe, you won't wind up in a ditch somewhere. Be careful. Please. We at Wonderful Labs want you around to buy our t-shirts someday. ********************** TO THE SHORES OF WONDERFUL ********************** -- The New Thing "I don't believe in tampering with any young writer's material, especially when that young writer was once myself." -Ray Bradbury *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Sat Jun 16 11:03:13 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Sat, 16 Jun 2001 03:03:13 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] BLOODSUGARSEXWONDER Message-ID: <3B2B2ED8.777E0B84@mindspring.com> Dear Mr. W, I'm afraid to ask my partner for more sex, 'cause I'm afraid he's going to think I'm a nympho. How do you suggest I broach the subject? Oh yeah, and how about threesomes? Can that work? Thanks, Curious (Yellow) _________________ Dear Anomalous (Hello!), I would have answered your query sooner, but I just spent half an hour shooting zombies. Not the drink, the undead. Well, okay, not *real* zombies. These were homeless people we paid to shamble around the graveyard out back of the Mad Scientist's place. No! I'm joking, of course. We would never pay them. Actually, ha ha, that's a joke, too. What it is, is, it's the Playstation 2 again. Game called 'Timesplitters'. Distracting as all get out. Which brings me to my main point: You'd get more sex out of this man if you dressed like Lara Croft. Pistols and everything, because then you could threaten his performance anxiety right out of him. A great way to bring up the subject of threesomes would be to invite Angelina Jolie over for tea and screwing. Make sure she leaves Billy Bob at home. Four's a crowd. The whole subject is actually rather embarrassing for me, really. I mean, Mister Wonderful of all people can appreciate a woman who takes matters into her own hands, but the fact is even I have accused women of being nymphomaniacs. In my defense, I'd huffed a lot of lip balm that evening and could have sworn we were on the planet Nymphoma. But I was wrong. One should never blame another for one's own shortcomings. So now, and for the rest of my life, I'm making it up to them, and to all women, and to anyone else who wants to join in, really. ********************* YOU'RE EVERY WONDERFUL IN THE WORLD TO ME ********************* -- The New Thing "The devil can cite scripture for his own purpose." -Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html From misterw@mindspring.com Sun Jun 17 08:58:31 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Sun, 17 Jun 2001 00:58:31 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] SIBLING WONDERFULRY Message-ID: <3B2C6321.148E463C@mindspring.com> Dear Mr. Wonderful, My brother, Rodd, acts and smells like a mountain gorilla. I can't even begin to list all of the terrible things he's done to me and my family --there's just so much. He's so fond of stealing things, we can rely on it. Once, I took a leak in a beer, and hid it in my room, just to see what would happen. Sure enough, he found it and drank every drop. He can't legally drive because he can't seem to keep himself sober around the cops. He doesn't have any friends because he steals from friends. He doesn't understand why people don't like him. And he wonders why nobody will drive him to the store or let him borrow money. He borrowed money from a friend of mine and said he'd pay her back two days later, when he got paid from working. Of course, he spent the money on beer and I had to pay my friend the money. Suffice it to say, we all hate him, but we can't exactly kill him. Recently, I've begun to urinate on the seat in his truck, hoping to convey a message of general dislike to him. Do you think there's anything else I could do to hasten his departure from my house, or, dare I dream it, this Earth? Sincerely, Brother of Kong ____________________ Dear Pong, This brother of yours doesn't seem so bad... you, on the other hand, have a *serious* bladder problem. You're a liar, too. First you promise that you "can't even begin to list all of the terrible things" he does, then you spend two paragraphs doing it. Bad form, old bean. With a compulsive character like Rodd, however, we must be lenient. You've really got to admire someone who can spend a whole paycheck on beer. That's knowing your priorities, that is. This is also how we know he is not actually a mountain gorilla, because then he would have spent the money on banana daiquiris. You might still be a chimpanzee. This pissing thing has got me worried. Rodd just needs to be loved. I suggest you hire some people to do so. All the Solid Gold Dancers are out of work now; you could probably get them to do anything short of double penetration for cheaper than what Rodd's stealing in order to get attention. ********************** WE'RE ARMED FOR WONDER ********************** -- The New Thing "The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, But the wise man accepts advice." -The Tanakh, Proverbs 12:15, Jewish Publication Society Edition *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Sun Jun 17 09:49:55 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Sun, 17 Jun 2001 01:49:55 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WONDERFUL'S REPUBLIC Message-ID: <3B2C6F26.169C2EA8@mindspring.com> Hey you, Now that the Democrats have control of the Senate, what's going to change? Will this help or hinder your nefarious plans for World Domination? What positions will you have for your loyal readers? Ralph N. ______________ Dear Pontius Pundit, Not gonna make a sex joke about positions. Not gonna make a sex joke about positions. Not gonna make a sex joke about positions.... Phew. Okay. New, brighter, cleaner, more accessible, wider readership Mister Wonderful in the house. And suddenly I have nothing to say. Hurm. All right, just hypothetically, so you know, if I was going to riff off of the "positions for loyal readers" set-up, it *wouldn't* be one of those "bent over their desks, working their fingers to the bone" type things, it'd be more along the lines of calling out "Assume the position!" at random intervals and striding about with a riding crop. Fine. Out of my system now. The Democrats are in charge of two things: jack and shit. Oh, darnit. I won't get my column into in 'Reader's Digest' if I say that. Let us see... How to express my contempt for the undemocratic and ludicrous nature of Money Party politics and the sham dog and pony show of congressional debate without the populist and righteous use of vulgar indignation? Fuck, I don't know. And thus my main point: why would you want to be in the majority of anything? What could you possibly accomplish there, when you cannot risk offense at the cost of losing that majority? How can you do what is challenging but right when you are dependent on people who do not want any challenges, but instead desire Doritos and the WWF? How could anyone possibly think a democratic republic would work? Nothing will change while we still have elections. My plan is to bring back the Philospher-King, baby. The twist is that I'll make *everyone* a Philosopher-King of their own little area if they can tell me a good joke. Monarchy for the masses! ******************* BEAT YOU LIKE A RED-HEADED WONDER ******************* -- The New Thing -?Que occure, Lawton? ?Tu revolver no tiene ganas de hablar...? Ken dejo colgar lentamente el brazo derecho. -Mi revolver siempre responde cuando le preguntan, McClure. -Joseph Berna, "Mi Revolver Habla Por Mi" *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Mon Jun 18 08:46:41 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 00:46:41 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WONDERFUL NEWS AND COMMENTARY REVUE Message-ID: <3B2DB1D6.DB61B20A@mindspring.com> ************ Waka Waka Waka! Welcome to Open Mike Night at the Labs. Mister Wonderful here, bringing *you* the finest in fine, fine things what are fine. How do we know they're fine? Because we sell no whine before it's fine.... ************ ITEM: Do you like to draw? The Wonderful Art Institute is now accepting submissions. Send us your version of Misters Wonderful, Dark and Malice (kinda like Tippy, Cubby and the Pirate) and we will consider letting you send us money later on. Porn Star Jim Mahfood did it and now look at him! Do it today!! Don't let talent stand in your way!!! ************ COMMENTARY: In "WONDERFUL SANDANISTA!" (06/05/01) we imagined we had an Evolution Ray and everybody came... >Would an evolution ray evolve a lawyer into a human >being (granted, a retarded one)? ************ No, no. Common mistake. Lawyers and humans merely share a common ancestor. One could not evolve from the other under any circumstances. ************ COMMENTARY: "WONDERFUL SANDANISTA!" also mentioned Salma Hayek's curves, which woke up THE CHAIRMAN.... >Curvy? You mean FAT, pal. I know guys like you >from the ol' neighborhood. Their dames cookin' up >trays of lasagna, making sausage and peppers...etc..etc. >It's the curse of the Old Country where olive oil skin >and olive shaped women are the preferred selection. >Well, wake up Harvey...this is America, baby. Land >of the free...home of the babe. Curves can be dangerous... >especially if you're forced to drive after Dean drank >a keg of scotch. ************ I'd rather risk a curve than put my eye out on a hipbone, thanks. ************ COMMENTARY: Hot espresso leads to hot sex, but the English drink tea ("MAXWELL'S WONDER" 06/07/01).... >It just means the English are creamier. Yummy. ************ I don't know; I've had some creamy Italian in my time. ************ COMMENTARY: "AN INSPIRED WONDERFUL" (06/08/01) posited that Mister Dark is not gay, he was just raised by wolves... >Gay wolves? ************ Yep. Some even used to cross-dress in sheep's clothing. Queer as flock. ************ COMMENTARY: If you read "WONDER IN YOUR CUP" (06/08/01) then you know breakfast in bed is a sign of sexual dysfunction... >Yes, but, not even French Toast? ************* The only French thing you're getting starts with a "k". Oh wait, just thought of another... but that starts with a "t", too. Still, it's definitely not toast. ************* As the sailor said to the nun, "Better stretch your legs, the next one is pretty long." ****************** MOMMA SAID WONDER YOU OUT ****************** -- The New Thing "The word 'bubble' is in the dictionary, for instance, as is the word 'peacock,' the word 'vacation,' and the words 'the' 'author's' 'execution' 'has' 'been' 'canceled,' which make up a sentence that is always pleasant to hear." -Lemony Snicket, 'The Ersatz Elevator' *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Mon Jun 18 09:13:35 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 01:13:35 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WONDERFUL NEWS AND COMMENTARY REVUE Message-ID: <3B2DB824.DA7E0920@mindspring.com> ************ The continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs. Mister W on deck, sending more words written by regular people just like yourselves, except *they* suck up to me.... ************ ITEM: See the Red Elvises perform and act like Scooby Doo villains in the film "Six String Samurai" - now available on DVD! Woo-hoo! ************ COMMENTARY: "WONDER IN YOUR CUP" (06/08/01) said a man should make love until too exhausted to prepare breakfast or a coherent thought. THE CHAIRMAN weighs in... >Hey, Mr. Wizard...to imply that the little lady wants >too much by asking for breakfast in bed is way outta >line, pal. What is with this Sisyphus stuff? In Vegas, >we treat con artists like you to a year-around vacation... >about six feet under the desert. >Breakfast in bed, covering her losses at The Sands, a new >Rolls Royce...these are mere tokens of affection. And when >a guy can't be bothered...he's got issues with the ol' >wampum, baby. Back in 1952 when I my career had as >much oomph as a three-wheeled Nash Rambler, I still >treated Ava to the best of the best. And she definitely >knew how to thank a guy...in spades. >I know I'm taking the scenic route to Hoboken so permit >me to be like Groucho's favorite cigars - BLUNT. The fact >that he doesn't make you breakfast in bed means nothing, >darlin'....the fact he can't AFFORD to have someone make >a high-class broad like you breakfast in bed is. Dump the >schmoe and pick a winner who's got some dough. >P.S. Give me the address of the dumpee and I'll send him >an album full of my saloon songs. ************ Ava thanked you by sleeping with Sammy Davis, jr? ************ Tina Fey and her alluring scar played into "SEAN 'PUFFY' WONDERS" (06/10/01)... >I met someone on the internet who is married to a man >who used to date her. Of course, this woman hates Tina Fey. >She finds it hard to watch her, knowing that Tina Fey did >blow jobs on her husband. Her words, not mine. ************ That story sounds fishy. For one thing, you don't *do* blowjobs, you give 'em. Then again... >Dear W., >Before she met me, Tina Fey didn't have that scar. HAHAHAHA >Signed, >Evil Man ************ What are you, an epileptic orthodontist? Put up or shut up. ************ "WONDERDILLA" (06/10/01) asked what would happen to the boy who ate too much cheese... >In Wisconsin, you'd be kiddingly called a cheesehead. >In Hoboken, you're a f***in moron. ************ Do they drive tr***s in Hoboken? ************ This is Number TWO in a series. Collect them all! *********************** THIS IS PLANET WONDER *********************** -- The New Thing -Eres maravillosa, Joanna -dijo Ken, y la beso ardorosamente en los labios, sin importale la presencia de los clientes y de los empleados del saloon. -El fin de "Mi Revolver Habla Por Mi" *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Mon Jun 18 09:53:18 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 01:53:18 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WONDERFUL NEWS AND COMMENTARY REVUE Message-ID: <3B2DC16E.D1CE26@mindspring.com> ************ Ladeez and Genniman! May I direct your attention to the High Wire, where Mister Wonderful carefully balances with the needs of his readers in one hand and his desire to take long naps in the other! Thrills await... ************ This comment was inspired by "WONDERDILLA" (06/10/01) but could have happened at any time... >ALL RIGHT!!! YAAAY!!! >Jerry spelled the phrase "all right" correctly. Did >you know that the dictionary finally accepts "alright" >since most people are so dumb to spell it that way? >Just like the Bushisms such as "strategery" and >"subliminible" and "mother and child bondage" will be >in the dictionary like Warren Harding's "normalcy" >which he coined unintentionally. Anyway, woo woo! ************* Did you know there's no such thing as "the" dictionary? ************* "THE WONDERFUL'S POET" (06/11/01) waxed rhapsodic as only Mister Wonderful can wax, gushing shamelessly about T.S. Eliot and "The Waste Land"... >Actually, I didn't think much of "The Waste Land" either. ************* Bats with baby faces! Fear in a handful of dust! What more do you need, woman? >Eliot *is* pretentious. He is *also* a damn genius. >He is an artist and this is therefore allowed. No one >says he has to be a nice guy and if he were to condescend >to the level of the masses then he wouldn't be a genius, >would he? Of course, your other reader may not understand >that. Starting anyone out in the upper levels of Eliot >may well make them confused, frustrated and self-righteous >(probably in that order). If I might, I suggest starting >him/her out on something a little more gentle and amusing >like "Old Possum's Book of Cats"--for those of you who >missed that, it's *also* written by Eliot. >-Lady Disdain ************* I hear Andrew Lloyd Webber originally wanted to do a musical version of "The Waste Land" ("WASTED!"), but changed his mind after discovering that I'd had Mister Malice place a piranha in his cornflakes. ************* "PRITHEE, LORD WONDERFUL" (06/11/01) attempted to give reasons why we attend Renaissance Faires... >Also, in the immortal words of Whip Boy, where else can >you find "more freaks than the yahoo personal ads?" ************* Wonderful Labs Job Fair Day. ************* Once upon a "BLOODSUGARSEXWONDER" (06/16/01), a little lass asked how she could ask her boyfriend for more nookie without seeming a nympho... >Getting someone more sex is one area where the >Mister Wonderful readership list can REALLY help. >Send yourself around us all like a chain letter. It >would be more than worth it, and there would be a >good novel in it too. >Only, no sex with lovebirds. ************* You know that scene in the Bible where God decides to flood the Earth and start all over again because his experiment is getting out of hand? Yeah. I never really empathized with Jehovah before now. ************* Watch for a Mad Scientist Special Edition coming soon! ******************** SHOW US THE WAY TO THE NEXT WONDER BAR ******************** -- The New Thing "Mute, she is as orally dead as she is orally insatiable, and Romay spends much of her screen time thrashing around, sucking her thumb, making parched sounds, and making the viewer increasingly aware of the oral nature we share with her." -Tim Lucas on "Female Vampire" *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Tue Jun 19 10:37:46 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Tue, 19 Jun 2001 02:37:46 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] HOLY JUST WONDERING, BATMAN! Message-ID: <3B2F1D5D.43F6E7CF@mindspring.com> So, Mister W. My wife and I were discussing movies (as we do) and we came up with a question worthy of your expertise. Does "camp" play better or campier when it is played over the top, or when it is played seriously? Example 1 - Brian Blessed in Flash Gordon (Forward my brave Hawkmen!) Example 2 - Larry Olivier in Clash of the Titans (Release the Kraken!) Obviously there are other examples, but is it more enjoyable when the actor is in on the joke or not? Just Wondering __________________ Dear Brad and Janet, Well, you certainly have me over a barrel there. Damn fine query. Just the sort of intelligent pop culture conundrum we're known for handling with aplomb. My problem is this: I think I'd rather have sex with Lara Croft than Angelina Jolie. And not just because of the lowered risk of disease. Anyway, that's my thing and it's tempting me to run into the Game Room and "make sure". Again. I'm also procrastinating because Mister Dark insists "camp" means "a bad thing that you think is good, you tasteless cretin," Mister Malice thinks that it means "appealing to flaming homosexuals such as yourself," and I have a theory about British actors with good teeth. My online quest to resolve this definitional dilemma turned up the fact that the Oxford English Dictionary wants you to spend $550 US Dollars per annum just to browse their lousy online edition. Who do those cuntless etymologists think they're kidding? I could join 30 or 40 porn sites for that much! Luckily, the Barbara Streisand Fansite "Camp Streisand" came to the rescue. I'm not making this up. They avoid sticking to the strict dictionary definition of camp and instead give us this list of generally agreed upon camp "attributes": >self-consciously exaggerated, self-consciously theatrical, >outrageous, artificial, affected, inappropriate, >out-of-date, mediocre, perversely appealing, >considered amusing or humorous, deliberately vulgar, >often self-parodying, brash, overly feminine in behavior, >banal, may have gay overtones or be blatantly gay, >overacted [when referring to a stage or musical production] Which is now the official motto of Wonderful Labs. Camp is best when played straight, methinks - but not ignorantly straight. A clueless actor in a high camp scene can be uncomfortable and boring (Everyone in "Battlefield: Earth"). An actor who "gets it" might play over the top to distance himself from the material and come off as contemptuous (Jack Nicholson, et al, as Batman Villains). A great camp actor will be in on the joke, but will play it so that you're never sure (Bruce Campbell in "Evil Dead II"). It's a fine line. William Shatner has been trampling over it his entire career. Russ Meyer opened up a watermelon stand on it. Tim Curry can't decide. George Hamilton has settled in and put his feet up. Gentlemen, I salute you! ***************** THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF WONDERFUL GO I ***************** -- The New Thing "I used to have a social life, go on dates, go to dinner parties, have a job. Now all I do is sit in a big chair and play PS2. I never leave my house. My friends have wondered what happened to me." -Matthew Perry *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Tue Jun 19 11:01:32 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Tue, 19 Jun 2001 03:01:32 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] SKITTERING WONDERS Message-ID: <3B2F22EB.97361DAA@mindspring.com> Dear Misters, Cockroaches are supposed to be creatures that like dark spaces, right? How come this huge one is hanging out in the glow of my bedside lamp? Isn't that rather maladaptive? --Going to move real, real soon. _______________ Dear Insomniac, MISTER WONDERFUL surmises: It's not a cockroach, it's spying device developed by the Danish as part of their world conquest plans. They ship them over with their hams, then use satellite control beams to move them into the homes of the strategically desirable. You are targeted because you know so much about shoes, which still mystify the wily Danes. MISTER MALICE figures: The answer is obvious. Your cockroach is suicidal. Like all intelligent creatures, it has seen the pointlessness of existence. I would commit suicide myself if I cared at all. MISTER DARK says: It stays in the light because it is not afraid of you any longer. We made them faster. Stronger. Better. Sleep tight. ********************* TWAS DARK AND ALL MALICE WERE THE WONDERFULS ********************* -- The New Thing "It was darker than a pitch-black panther, covered in tar, eating black licorice at the very bottom of the deepest part of the Black Sea." -Lemony Snicket *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Wed Jun 20 10:09:06 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Wed, 20 Jun 2001 02:09:06 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WONDERFULLY BIG GUNS Message-ID: <3B3067A6.D6277B60@mindspring.com> Dear M.W., Angelina Jolie stated in an interview that if Lara Croft were a real person, she'd have 36 DD boobies. What does this say about computer game designers in general? Signed, Super Mario ________________ Dear Koopa, WELCOME, BRAVE ADVENTURER. >look IT'S DARK. >light torch OK. >look YOU ARE IN A MAZE OF TWISTY, TURNY PASSAGES, ALL ALIKE. MISTER WONDERFUL IS HERE. >ask question I DO NOT SEE ANY QUESTION HERE. >ask query WHICH QUERY ARE YOU REFERRING TO? >ask query about what large breasts say about game designers CHOOSE FROM THE ANSWERS BELOW.... BUT CHOOSE WISELY! ONLY ONE IS TRUE, THE REST ARE BOOBY-TRAPPED!! a) They've been reading my diaries. b) Those guys are *gods*. c) Those guys are genius gods sent from heaven itself to make the world safe for all good people. d) They don't know how expensive a bra like that can be. e) It's not their fault! It's just the polygons, man. Polygons want to be free. f) They don't get out of the house much and know that you don't either. g) They will be millionaires before they turn thirty. >c A FLOCK OF BOOBIES FLY OUT OF MISTER WONDERFUL'S LAB COAT AND ASSAULT YOU. YOU ARE DYING. >south YOU ARE IN A MAZE OF TWISTY, TURNY PASSAGES, ALL ALIKE. >south YOU ARE IN A MAZE OF TWISTY, TURNY PASSAGES, ALL ALIKE. >south YOU ARE IN A MAZE OF TWISTY, TURNY PASSAGES, ALL ALIKE. MISTER DARK IS HERE. >shit YES. ********************** THERE CAN BE ONLY WONDER ********************** -- The New Thing "I need more sex, OK? Before I die I wanna taste everyone in the world." -Angelina Jolie, in the British GQ *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Thu Jun 21 09:56:39 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Thu, 21 Jun 2001 01:56:39 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] MAN ABOUT WONDER Message-ID: <3B31B6C7.A30876A0@mindspring.com> Dear Mr. Wonderful, I am a healthy male. I'm laying in bed wearing nothing but my underwear, while listening to Debbie Gibson's Greatest Hits, drinking a liter size bottle of sprite, watching the movie Foot Loose on cable, and quoting out-loud dialog from Pink Panther movies. I believe I'm smack dab in the middle of a nervous break down; do you agree? What can I do to snap out of it? I have to go to work in the morning. --Wiped Out ________________ Dear Calvin Klein Poster Boy, Why snap out of it? Install a Plexiglas window in your doorway and start charging admission: THE 21st CENTURY AMERICAN MALE (fuckem nongivicus) IN ITS NATURAL HABITAT Face it. You've peaked. You are living the dream. We conquered the environment, developed sanitation, perfected food supply, established world-wide communications and fostered political stability for this. All of history, all of technology, all of culture has been leading up to the moment where those with the greatest opportunities and resources on earth could just jerk off all day long. Evolution-shmevolution. Let your body turn to a big pile of tapioca; all you need is eyes, ears, a mouth and a psuedopod to type in your credit card number. Remember: it's not disgusting if everyone's doing it. ******************** GUARANTEED WONDERFUL OR YOUR MONEY BACK. ******************** -- The New Thing "So it's just you and me. No, don't run away. I have whisky." -Warren Ellis, from the introduction to his "Come In Alone" collection *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Thu Jun 21 10:31:11 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Thu, 21 Jun 2001 02:31:11 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] THE STEPFORD WONDERS Message-ID: <3B31BEDE.57F51072@mindspring.com> Gasp! Dear Wonderful, I heard a rumor that you have a smarter FEMALE counterpart seeking to replace you. Is this possible? If so, when does she start? Signed, Hef ________________ Dear Drudge, No, no, you misheard. I have a female counterpart seeking to PLACE me - place me in a fur-lined dungeon and shiver me timbers until the cops come home. Mmmmm-hmmmmm. And *how*. There are currently no pretenders to the Wonderful Throne. I'd like to think that's because I'm doing a superb job dispensing goofy thoughts to the masses and not because the two dapper gentlemen I share the Labs with are burying corpses in the garden again this year. But you never know. Many are the women smarter than Mister Wonderful. There's no shame in admitting that. No shame and quite a bit of sexual cache. Wink, wink. Humble and understanding, buddy. You should try it sometime. ********************** A DAY LATE AND A WONDERFUL SHORT ********************** Mister Wonderful Recommends: The ABC television game show "You Don't Know Jack" hosted by Paul "Redeemed" Reubens. The laugh track is a mite annoying, but the outfits are to *die* for. -- The New Thing "Us old lefties instinctively shy away from someone who communicates what is at best gynephobia and at worst pure bloody misanthropy in the way that Sim does, even allowing for the dichotomy between auctorial intent and personal belief." -Warren Ellis on Dave Sim (May 12, 2000) *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Fri Jun 22 09:50:08 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Fri, 22 Jun 2001 01:50:08 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WONDERFUL NEWS AND MAD SCIENTIST REVUE Message-ID: <3B3306B5.A8FAAC93@mindspring.com> ************ You're nooooobody til somebody writes you.... Mister Wonderful here, reminding you that even though calling President Bush a numbskull is an insult to the Three Stooges, it'll still be a feather in your cap if you manage to nail his twin daughters on the White House lawn. Always look on the bright side! Oh, and here's a thought or two or three point one four one five nine from the MAD SCIENTIST... ************* COMMENTARY: ("ANATOMY WONDER" 06/12/01) Mr Wonderful Sorry, had to comment on this one: > So, yeah, straight answer: In 1982 I had my belly > button replaced with a miniature black hole so I > wouldn't have to buy batteries for my Walkman. I > have an innie so in that not even light can escape. > I assure you, though: aside from a few dislocated > tongues, it's worked out fine. Um. My GRANDFATHER had his belly button removed, and it had been an innie. So, we had a removal of a negative space -- and hence, technically, we had a sort of negative energy density. This, of course, requires somewhat of a set of local geometries which have a slightly fewer set of infinite quantum energy levels on the local region than the universe as a whole (this was, after all, the major topic of my thesis, you see). But NOW, I find out that you, *you*, YOU, *YOU*, Mr Wonderful, have a miniature BLACK HOLE as a replacement... Have you read Sagan's "Contact"? He specifically went to the Astrophysics QED experts (names left anonymous here for obvious reasons of embarrassment at the whole belly-button scheme) and had them check out the possibility of time-travel, and it would seem that your naval region would now qualify as one of those places. All you need is a strap-on boundary-belt, and you've got yourself bringing Neal Stephenson et al to the Moorlocks, and spinning little rings about to learn about George W's tax breaks back in the early 21st causing social revolutions leading to the local Ivy infestations taking over... but I digress. Cool deal -- good job. The next time I need to pay my phone bill on time, can I borrow your middle-region for a few minutes? Yours Truly, The Mad Scientist ************* So *that's* why Al Capone shows up every time I belly dance. Thanks again, Oh He Who Was Laughed At At The Academy! ******************** I HAD A WONDER THIS BIG ******************** Mister Wonderful Recommends: Comedian Jon Lovitz. Because I can. -- The New Thing "..if I keep this up long enough, I'll be famous and rich and I'll have great sex every single day!!" -Bill Griffith, "Arcade, Social Problems of the Toadettes" *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Fri Jun 22 10:59:52 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Fri, 22 Jun 2001 02:59:52 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] NOBODY WONDERFUL Message-ID: <3B331702.5310E872@mindspring.com> Mr. Wonderful: What is "identity"? How does one know they have one and if they don't, how can one get one? --Blank __________________ Dear , What the hell are you talking about? "Identity" is an abstract concept, a method for explaining the apparent constancy of entities over time despite change. You can't "have" it. You might have *an* identity, but you're no good to anyone until you brush up on your indefinite article skills. Normally, an identity is just a way for the fascist police state to track you (and inform your family that your remains have been found down by the railroad tracks). It's a label, a stereotype, a boiled down version of your complex life, a number, a badge, a set of statistics and generalizations. It's not like a personality. It lacks style. It merely describes. Like the man said about bullets: Don't worry, they've got one for you. Is that too harsh? Too cynical? Too snooty? I'm sorry. Look, I'll make it up to you; here are some facts about breasts: I like 'em. Ummm. And so do babies. So do boys who read comic books. Which brings me to my main point - nobody needs an identity so much as they need a *secret* identity. Peter Parker, Diana Prince, Clark Kent, Gordon Sumner - these are all secret identities, hidden names, shadow personalities. You might not think you look good in a mask, but you wear one every time you step out your front door. Give yourself a secret identity, a real you, someone to be that can relax for once and be different from the motivated bastard who's trying to get ahead in the world. Keep 'em separate and they'll both be powerful. Of course, if you're Batman, then Bruce Wayne is the mask. But he's just fucked up. ************************** EXTRA! EXTRA! WONDER ALL ABOUT IT ************************** Mister Wonderful Recommends: "Come In Alone" by Warren Ellis (ISBN 0-9709360-0-1). It's a collection of 52 columns about the comics industry and drinking and since it inspired me to make the "MW Recommends" section a regular feature I thought I'd plug it. -- The New Thing "I don't expect to see myself in his comic, but like you were saying, it's nice when your name is in the background or something you did together works its way into the book. It's just nice to know that you're a presence in their work." -Wendy Jung, girlfriend of Adrian Tomine *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Sat Jun 23 09:53:33 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Sat, 23 Jun 2001 01:53:33 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] BOSOM WONDERS Message-ID: <3B3458F2.12D1E965@mindspring.com> Mr. Wonderful: I have the opportunity to meet Salma Hayek & Angelina Jolie. Problem: I can only meet one or the other due to the fact that they will be at different events at the same time. I am an aspiring actor and though Salma is pretty, her career isn't as solid as Angelina's at the moment and I think she could be a valuable connection. What should I do? -Spilt Between Two Lovers _________________ Dear Buddy Ol' Pal Ol' Friend, I think you should leave this to me, as I am a well-known specialist in these sorts of things. You go memorize a monologue or something; I'll call you when the smoke clears. If one *had* to make a decision, it would be wise to choose Salma. Not only is she talented, beautiful, driven, charming and hot-bloodedly Latin with big things ahead of her, but Angelina Jolie's dad was in "Anaconda". Not a lot of career skills in them genes. Mmmm. Angelina Jolie's jeans... It's okay ladies, I know. I disgust even myself. All the time. So, anyway. Point is. Don't choose. Choosing is for the weak and unimaginative. Okay, *you* probably don't have a time machine, but there are scenarios open to the layman which allow you to have your cake and... have your other cake, too. 1) Send an official looking card to each woman which explains that the venue for her event has been changed. Direct them both to your Laboratory. Make sure to place some Hollywood Gala searchlights outside and some Barry White albums inside. 2) Don't go to either event, but send each woman a note the next day thanking her for the magical evening. With any luck, curiosity will buy you lunch. 3) A variation on (1) is to have your two violent but well dressed associates assume the guises of limousine drivers and deliver the ladies to your underground bunker. This saves on printing costs, but the girls might get suspicious. Make sure there's a big bowl of ice cream waiting. It's not kidnapping if they don't press charges. 4) Dr. Seed in Chicago will give you an back-alley clone job, but you'll need to wait thirty years to be able to double date. Is that cool? 5) Eschewing deception, rely on your speed. Attend the event of Lady X. Within moments of meeting her, surgically remove her from the crowd with your rapier wit. When she has eyes for only you, tell her she doesn't need this lousy gig and she should blow with you. Whisk her across town to Lady Y's event; it should just be ending. When Lady Y spies you luscious people on each other's arms, she'll be revving her engines for a night back at your ancestral mansion. And it is because I have thought of these things, and a dozen more besides, that I am Mister Wonderful and you are not. Go forth, and spread my gospel. ******************* TO YOUR WONDERFUL BODIES GO ******************* Mister Wonderful Recommends: Tenacious D. Can two men conquer the world with only acoustic guitars? I sure fucking hope so. Plenty of samples to be downloaded at http://www.sidehatch.com/ -- The New Thing "I shall not disclose the secrets of the Hung Society, not even to my parents, brothers or wife; I shall never disclose the secrets for money; I will be killed by a myriad of swords if I do." -Oath 5 of the Chinese Triad initiation *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Sat Jun 23 10:43:18 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Sat, 23 Jun 2001 02:43:18 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WONDERFUL FOR YOUR BRAIN Message-ID: <3B3464B3.C62A3689@mindspring.com> Dear Mister W, Zorak, Space Ghost, Brak or Moltar? Why? Oh yeah, and what about that Hoodleehoo song? Signed, Legion of Doom ________________ Dear Luthor, et al, Jeremiah the chipper Marketing Guy thinks that "MISTER WONDERFUL ANSWERS ALL" might reach a wider audience if we "catch our readers up to speed" before "answering the stuff, y'know, with yuks and wacky vocab and all that." He *loves* what I do, really. So, you are hereby informed that this query concerns characters appearing on the Cartoon Network programs "Space Ghost:Coast to Coast" and "Cartoon Planet". Said characters are, respectively, an evil Mantid band leader, a superheroic talk show host, Not A Monkey, and a Lava Man. If you didn't know that already you probably have a day job. The query is ambiguous, however. What about them? I ask myself. What does this person want to know? Why do they want to know? What would they be willing to do to find out? Should I have another drink? Yes, I should. If you want to know who I like best, it's Brak. Because he makes me laugh. If you want to know who I would be, it's Space Ghost. Not just because we share a physique, but also because Mister Dark has dibs on Zorak and Mister Malice does Brak better and nobody wants to be Moltar. If you want to know who I'd date, it's Zorak. At least we could hold a conversation. If you want to know who I'd rent porn with, it's Moltar. He's down to earth. The Hoodleehoo song? Prayer to Satan. Sleep tight. *************************** KISSES SWEETER THAN WONDER *************************** Mister Wonderful Recommends: "The Female Vampire" directed by Jess Franco, now available on DVD. It may be boring and pretentious impenetrable Euro-horror-porn, but hot damn! Lina Romay has a *fine* car in this film. -- The New Thing "Take that Ming! I'm sick of your dynasty!" -Brak *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Sun Jun 24 10:16:54 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Sun, 24 Jun 2001 02:16:54 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WONDERFUL AT 30,000 FEET Message-ID: <3B35AFE1.1996DF6B@mindspring.com> Dear Mister W., Recently I had the misfortune of taking a plane trip where there was a screaming, sobbing little hellspawn, which made my journey less than ideal. Most of the other people near the thing cooed and ahhed over the baby, playing games with it, etc., to get it to shut up. I just wanted to suffocate the thing. Anyway, the problem is, this reaction is not unusual for me, whether the child is screaming or not. I *always* want to suffocate small children because I find them incredibly annoying. I'm a girl. My question to you is this: where the heck is my maternal instinct? Thanks, Pedophobic ______________ Dear Calamity Jane, Oh! Hold on - it's right here. Yeah, sorry it's wrinkled. I saw it in the corner of the Lab the other day and I remember thinking, "Well, that's not *mine*." You must have left it behind, last time you were... over. What's everybody laughing at? Girls like this exist. I could have met one, sure. Sure I could have. Sure. Women are often afraid to admit that children are horrid little squid things that should be left on hillsides in the rain. Why? Because babies are parasitic terrorists. Has anybody here seen "The Brood"? That's a documentary, man. There is no such thing as a Maternal Instinct. There is only race memory and horror. Babies are so uniformly demanding and their extortion is so unrelenting that people actually begin to collaborate with them. Helsinki Syndrome. More than that - fear of awful reprisals from the children makes adults turn on one another, reporting any deviation from the doctrines: "Children are good." "Children are cute." "Children make your life complete." "Children should be loved." Yeah, I love Big Brother, too. Until they can get their own food and hold a conversation, kids are nothing but an alien life form come to observe our culture and take our resources. Don't mollycoddle 'em. Don't try to speak their language. You stick to your guns, girl. This world is for *real* humans. ********************* I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WONDER ********************* Mr. Wonderful Recommends: Five Star Laser Corp. It's not a military-industrial complex death machine, it's a Hong Kong/Japanese film distributor death machine. They have *everything* (including Chow Yun Fat's "God of Gamblers" on DVD. Those who love me should take note.), and at reasonable prices! No more bootlegged $40 videos from Golden Apple! http://www.fivestarlaser.com or, for a real treat, jump straight to the Leslie Cheung Passion Tour - http://store.fivestarlaser.com/cgi-bin/ecommerce/scan/st=sql/sp=displaymtv/ac=yes/sf=0/em=yes/op=rm/se=3648.html -- The New Thing Bizarro: *Yawn*... Alarm clock go off! Is time for us to go to bed! Bizarro-Lois: Ha, Ha! Stupid Earth people use it to wake up! -The Shame of the Bizarro Family! ADVENTURE COMICS #285, June 1961 *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Mon Jun 25 11:20:47 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Mon, 25 Jun 2001 03:20:47 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WEDDED WONDER Message-ID: <3B37107E.3D00C542@mindspring.com> Dear Mr. Wonderful, One of my friends just told me that she has gotten engaged; aside from her being one of the last people I would expect to do so, she's also the 4th person I know to have wedding related things happen to her in the last month that I know of. Is there some sort of love-plague going around that I am missing out on? Are my friends just at that age where they all are ready to get married? And if so, why am I completely not tempted to propose to anyone? Yours, Curious _____________ Dear Single-lingle-ling, The short answers: (1) No. (2) Probably. (3) People suck. The medium answers: (1) I'd know if there was a love-plague, baby. I'd be, like, Typhoid Wonderful. (2) They are at that age where they make bad decisions because they are afraid to be complete as individuals, yes. (3) You are an intelligent young lady and realize that people suck. The long answer: People suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Hard. Plus we have a general premonition of impending disaster and the will to breed is strong. *********************** WHAT'S YOUR DEFINITION OF WONDERFUL, BABY? *********************** Mister Wonderful Recommends: poking fun at sacred institutions. If it can't be laughed at, it's not worth doing. -- The New Thing "Them love me, Bizarro-Lois No. 1, darling! Them stupid idiots love me!" -Bizarro No. 1, "Bizarro's Amazing Buddies!" ADVENTURE COMICS #289, October 1961 *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Mon Jun 25 10:49:10 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Mon, 25 Jun 2001 02:49:10 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] RESCUE 9-1-WONDER Message-ID: <3B370908.65C03259@mindspring.com> Dear Mister Wonderful, My family is really messed up in some ways. Is it possible to save one's parents from their own bad habits and mistakes? --Curvy is Comfortable _______________ Dear Michael Jackson, jr., The question is: is it desirable to save one's parents? Aside from dodging the bullet of future nursing care bills, you also avoid the embarrassing Bates Motel scenario, *not to mention* rude yet undefinable smells from mysterious sources. I'm just saying. Y'know. Something to consider. And also this: They're probably not your real parents. Accurate data is hard to come by, but it appears that at least 65% of Americans born between 1965 and 1983 are from a parallel dimension. Not the same parallel dimension, mind you. I don't know where all the people who made "Friends" popular came from. But anyway, yeah, changeling activity peaked during that period, a direct result of underground quantum bomb testing, LSD conceptions, Irish immigration, sympathy for the devil, the Sybil rights movement, Studio 54, Pong, and Spam. So fuck 'em. No! I'm sure they treated you well, even if you were not born to this Earth. You owe them something, even though you will never understand the strange customs of the hu-man. I should think they'd be grateful if you just treat them as adults, as their own people, and do not eat their eyeballs. ********************** AND DEATH SHALL HAVE NO WONDERFUL ********************** Mister Wonderful recommends: The HBO Original Series "Six Feet Under". There aren't many shows where the characters with embalming stitches have dialogue. Let's support one of the good ones. New episodes appear on Sunday nights at 9:30. -- The New Thing "One of these days you're going to assume a broken ass, Mister Holmes." -Madeline Kahn, "The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother" *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Tue Jun 26 11:30:12 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Tue, 26 Jun 2001 03:30:12 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] HOT TIN WONDER Message-ID: <3B386416.6DFA4392@mindspring.com> Dear Mr. Wonderful, At the end of Tennessee Williams' stunning play, The Glass Menagerie, what does Tom mean when he says, "Oh, Laura, Laura, I tried to leave you behind me, but I am more faithful than I ever intended to be! I reach for a cigarette, I cross the street, I run into the movies or a bar, I buy a drink, I speak to the nearest stranger-anything that can blow your candles out!... Blow out your candles, Laura, and good-bye!" And the last line says that Laura blows her candles out. What is the significance of "blowing her candles out"? When the gentleman caller was with her, the electricity went out because Tom wasn't paying the electricity bill and they had to use candles and she danced with the gentleman caller, and it made it more romantic. But I can't see how blowing candles out would be better, for it would be darker... unless her world is brighter so she doesn't need candles, and the electricity is paid for. Is this what it means? Love, a crystal porcupine ____________________ Dear Origami Unicorn, Tennessee Williams sure took the long way around the barn on that one. What he meant was "Hey Laura! It's your birthday! It's your birthday!" But they didn't listen to much Luther Campbell back in those days, more's the pity. Can you imagine Tennessee Williams at a 2 Live Crew show in Miami? Better still, imagine Tennessee Williams arrested for crawling onstage and pouring Southern Comfort all over Luther then sucking his dick. I know it's not big or clever to say these things, but it's funnier than literary analysis. Straight up: Tom tells us outright that candles have been replaced by lightning. Life moves fast; there's no time to wallow in self-pity. Don't carry a torch for what might have been, get a floodlight for the future. Laura's blowing the candle out is a very deep and significant symbol for "It's dark. The Play's over. Go the fuck home." ******************** BREWED AND BOTTLED IN ST WONDERFUL, MISSOURI ******************** Mister Wonderful Recommends: The Hunger Site - http://www.thehungersite.com/index.html Sometimes it's nice to do good after a long hard day of being fantastic. -- The New Thing "Everyone loved her, but her greatest sorrow was that she could find no one to love in return, since all the men were much too stupid and ugly to mate with one so beautiful and wise." -L. Frank Baum, "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz" *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Tue Jun 26 12:17:34 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Tue, 26 Jun 2001 04:17:34 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] IVY WONDER Message-ID: <3B386F28.32FC319D@mindspring.com> Dear Mr Wonderful, A friend of mine requested my concept of the purpose of a collegiate degree, and I had a rather profound epiphany (which is, as far as I know, my own quotation, not plagiarized from someone else): "A bachelors degree means you know how to *find* a book and browse it. A masters degree means you know how to *read* a book and restate it. A doctorate means you know how to *write* a book and bore people with it." Do you agree? Or do you have another idea of it? For that matter, what IS your take on the whole post-high-school education? Just curious, Signed, Masters Degree in Physics, but still stupid __________________ Dear Feeling Less Than Feynman, The purpose of all education is to ennoble the mind and increase the breadth of reference in order to get more jokes. Then, of course, you will give people like myself piles of money out of gratitude. You laugh, you pay. That's the way this racket works. You don't like it, you just go ahead and drop out of Community College. See if the Burger King needs any more serfs. See that? If you fell asleep during Medieval studies, you didn't get that one. I rule. Certainly, your assessment of the accredited degree extravaganza accurately depicts the accomplishments required to convince authorities to grant those degrees. Were there an uncomfortable amount of "a" words in that sentence? I didn't intend for there to be. It just happened. Much like the unfortunate set of circumstances that forced the University to perform an exorcism ritual and bar its doors to me. But the point is, a Bachelors really means you had several thousand dollars. A Masters means you had several thousand dollars more, and didn't get married. A Doctorate means you realized you had no real life skills and couldn't recoup the losses any other way, much like a desperate tourist selling his body at 4 AM on a Thursday in Vegas. ******************* WONDERFUL AND FUGUE IN D MINOR ******************* Mister Wonderful Recommends: Me! Tell your friends about me! What's wrong with you people? -- The New Thing "Oh San Franciskee, I love ye." -Dave Attell *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Wed Jun 27 10:43:00 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Wed, 27 Jun 2001 02:43:00 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] WONDERFUL THE AARDVARK Message-ID: <3B39AA83.2A1851DB@mindspring.com> Dear Mister W., Recently Dave Sim published a misogynistic rant, saying how grown women should be spanked and how women in general have no intellectual capacity. Do you think these are his real thoughts, or just a savvy publicity stunt? Also, do you think this will serve to further alienate the female audience from the admittedly mostly boys' club mentality of the comics industry? Love, Buttercup _________________ Dear Feminist-Homosexualist Void, Those of you who wish to melt a few brain cells can find Mr. Sim's article here : http://www.tcj.com/232/tangent0.html but I shouldn't bother if I were you, as the man is obviously Canadian. A better time might be had by reading Anne Elizabeth Moore's response to Sim at http://www.tcj.com/233/report.html It's funnier, and you don't need to feel guilty because she hasn't read the original screed either. Hey.... you know what? I like saying screed. Screeeeeeeed. Screed, ho! APE LAW! My point is this: For all its window dressing, Dave Sim's 'Cerebus' comic is a Conan the Barbarian parody. Has been for more than twenty years. You'd crack under the strain, too. In his heart, he knows he's doing some dumb shit. Lashing out at over half the human race is just his way of saying, "Kill me. Kill me now." This sort of thing would alienate women from comics if (1) Dave Sim represented anyone outside of his diseased mind, and/or (2) easily alienable women read comics, much less 'Cerebus', much less the essays in the back of "Cerebus", much less the Comics Journal. Thankfully, all three females who read comics are pretty hip and know what to dismiss. Oh, by the way, you girls are invited to the Labs this weekend. I know I said last weekend, but there was a thing with the pool, champagne clogging, something, but whatever. I promise that if anyone's going to be spanked, it'll be me. ****************** YOU'RE IN GOOD HANDS WITH WONDER ****************** Mister Wonderful Recommends: The Inspector John Rebus novels of Ian Rankin. Like drinking unwatered scotch on every page, they are. Of course, you'll never go to Edinburgh again for fear of winding up spiked on a railing after looking crosswise at someone, but who needs travel when there are crime novels here at home? http://www.stmartins.com -- The New Thing "If you have the Stones... to say I can rewrite history to my own specifications, you can get away with it." -James Ellroy (capitalization the author's own) *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Wed Jun 27 11:36:15 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Wed, 27 Jun 2001 03:36:15 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] MARY JANE WONDERFUL Message-ID: <3B39B6F6.E05C978D@mindspring.com> Dear Mr. Wonderful? How come Kirsten Dunst is so friggin' pretty? It's not fair. And how come she was one of the few child actors that stayed cute. I mean, her tummy's concave, she has well rounded boobs, etc. I look at Botticelli's paintings, and women have normal tummies, normal hips. Why can't that be the standard of Hollywood beauty? Love, Anna Chlumsky ___________________ Dear Swell Gal, You've seen her boobs? Like, outside of a bra? Because, you know, bras and tape and stuff can create some stunning illusions. Believe you me. But if you do have some... inside information, you just bring it along to the Labs here so our experts can go over it. It's not that we want to see her naked ourselves, mind you. We just want to take pictures of *you* seeing her naked. For science. I've been putting too much ice cream in my coffee lately. Botticelli's women are not the standard for Hollywood because Hollywood is not about showing normal people. They figure that you figure "I can look in the mirror for *free*." Oddly enough, Kirsten Dunst stays cute because as a child she drank Tom Cruise's blood. Nanite robo-machines from L. Ron Hubbard's Future Org proliferated in her system, granting her the ability to radiate sensuality and box office appeal beyond the ken of mortal man. You thought Cruise was just another gay moron, didn't you? Nope. He is a cybernetically enhanced gay moron. Unlike Keanu Reeves, who blows producers for parts. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon made a blood pact, but the devil decided they were *such* morons they had to front him their souls, be friends with Kevin Smith, and blow him for parts. Brad Pitt's the only one who did things the old-fashioned way. Edward Norton gave him half his brain and in return got an enormous Schwanstucker. ******************* WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT WONDER ******************* Mister Wonderful Recommends: Project Censored, which might just be liberal paranoia but, still, is a riveting alternative view of all the information that considered fit for you. Plus, the "20 Years of Censored News" (by Carl Jensen and Project Censored) book has Tom Tomorrow cartoons. I like to laugh at the funny penguin man. -- The New Thing "Lucas should make love, not star wars, to his wife, his dog, his very own television set, and stop contributing to the sappiness of nations." -John Simon on "The Empire Strikes Back" *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Thu Jun 28 09:16:26 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Thu, 28 Jun 2001 01:16:26 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] A SIMPLE WONDER Message-ID: <3B3AE7CE.D07A4ED8@mindspring.com> Dear Mr. Wonderful, Shaved smooth bi-sluts. Explain. --Richard Dawson ________________ Dear Dick, I have *got* to get a lock for that diary. ******************** TAG! YOU'RE WONDERFUL ******************** Mister Wonderful Recommends: "Six-String Samurai" on DVD. Think you can't enjoy the Red Elvises in the privacy of your own home? Think again. In addition to their unfathomably Not Oscar-nominated scene in the film, the DVD transfer of this superb Post-Arockalyptic Tale includes 2 (two) videos from Your Favorite Band. It's also letterboxed and all that hi-fi stuff. Buying it means spending more than the entire special effects budget of the film, but come on - Buddy Holly with a sword! -- The New Thing "There's a lot of bad wigs up on that hill." -Tom Dey, in his director commentary for 'Shanghai Noon' *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Thu Jun 28 10:41:25 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Thu, 28 Jun 2001 02:41:25 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] A STICKY WONDER Message-ID: <3B3AFBAC.EBF79286@mindspring.com> Dear Mister Wonderful, My boyfriend is going to marry my brother, but my wife wasn't invited. What do you recommend? Yours, Always the bridesmaid ________________ Dear Never Say Bride, I recommend leaving the Mormon Church before things really get out of hand. I mean, they're nice people and all, y'know, when not in groups, but unless Utah develops an independent nuclear weapons program they will be hunted down like stray dogs and gut-fucked by gamma-ray enhanced ATF stormtroopers until the Great Salt Lake is a radioactive no-fly zone. It's a new day, America! Wake up and smell the Bush Administration! Tolerance is just a threshold for pain. I'm sorry. It's the coffee talking. Listen, we're all friends here. Not close friends, and the hot tub is off-limits, but still, you can reveal any lifestyle you choose and we won't judge your for it. So, from my heart, your little incestuous marriage melange is pretty damn weird. That's not judging, that's evaluating. Objectively speaking, you guys score orange on a nine-fish scale of weird. Which is cool. Your brother needs to realize how important your wife is to you. I say you avoid the wedding out of protest. Plus, seeing the "you may now kiss the groom" portion might be disturbing for you. Not, of course, for others in the audience, who will no doubt be selling the video on E-Bay within hours for big bucks ("HOT MAN FANDANGO TEXAS TUXEDO STYLE"), but many are put out by the sight of a sibling's tongue. ******************* GOING TO THE CHAPEL AND WE'RE GONNA GET WONDERFUL ******************* Mister Wonderful Recommends: Robert Anton Wilson's "Cosmic Trigger, Vol. 1: Final Secret of the Illuminati" (New Falcon Publications, ISBN 1-56184-003-3) It's an autobiography of sorts, in which RAW asserts his unbelief in everything, describes a path through the Chapel Perilous and generally just kicks the shit out of your rational mind. It's got some illustrations with naked women in them, too, if that helps. -- The New Thing "Wine I loved deeply, dice dearly, and in woman out-paramoured the Turk...." -Edgar, _King Lear_ Act III, scene 4 *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Fri Jun 29 11:05:02 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Fri, 29 Jun 2001 03:05:02 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] ANCIENT WONDERFUL SECRET Message-ID: <3B3C52BE.252F6A4A@mindspring.com> Dear Mister Wonderful, Do pheromones influence how people react to each others' jokes? If so, how do you compensate when dispensing humor over e-mail? Yours, David Harstien Smyrna, Georgia ________________ Dear Smell-O-Vision, Pheromones are little chains of complex whoosiwhatsits produced by living beings that affect other members of the same species in mostly naughty ways. They are to perfume what Salma Hayek is to Joan Rivers. People will always flirt more with someone whose pheromones give them a "good vibe". "This am friend," says the tiny reptile brain at the back of our skulls. "Me am laugh at joke. Get sex." It's not a pretty fact, but there it is. Much like Santa Claus, I sneak into your homes once a fortnight, sprinkling pheromones onto your keyboards. That's why you laugh at the "Joke of the Day", too. Nah, I'm only kidding. I wait in the sleigh while my elves do the sprinkling. Actually, most times I get Mister Malice to do the run. Apologies to those whose dreams have been curdled as he passes by. ******************* I CAN'T HELP THE WAY I WONDER ******************* Mister Wonderful Recommends: "Some Like It Hot" Starring Tony Curtis, Jack Lemmon and Marilyn Monroe. Directed by Billy Wilder. "Maybe it'll turn out to be a *surprise* party." Where else do you get gangsters, cross-dressing, the Milk Fund.... ah, hell. Jack Lemmon died yesterday, and I'm drinking whiskey, so this is the greatest comedy ever made. End of story. -- The New Thing "Tell me something, Rebus, are you clever or just spawny?, "Is there a difference?" -Ian Rankin, "Black and Blue" *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Fri Jun 29 11:55:43 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Fri, 29 Jun 2001 03:55:43 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] DALLAS WONDER CHEERLEADERS Message-ID: <3B3C5E93.3B925750@mindspring.com> Dear Mr. Wonderful, Who was on the Grassy Knoll? -- Oliver Stone ________________ Dear Patsy Oswald, I love the fact that the word "knoll" would have passed entirely out of modern usage had it not been for Jack Kennedy's brains being spattered all over his wife's lap. Not that I'm pointing the finger at disgruntled English professors visiting Dallas for the 1963 American Library Association convention. I'm merely assisting the police with their inquiries. The fact that Oswald worked at the Book Depository is surely a coincidence. You know who you should be talking to, though? The guy on the Dusty, Sorta Barren Knoll, Just To The Left. He was commanded by the Freemasons to assassinate the Illuminati agent sent to kill the Manchurian candidate created to take out the Mafioso hired to whack the Skull-And-Bones initiate who was gonna ice Zapruder. They all missed, but it's a good story. I once met a man in Rio who claimed to be on the Snowy Knoll, but he had an ass full of hashish and was looking for something to barbecue. Most of the people on the Grassy Knoll were time travelers. Be fair, it's a great view. Unlike the one from the Texas Book Depository. Ahem. Aside from that, you had a few locals, a visiting baseball player and Richard Nixon. Why do you ask? *********************** I AM NOT A WONDERFUL *********************** Mister Wonderful Recommends: "Ghost World" a book with pictures in by Daniel Clowes, available at your finer bookshops everywhere. Hauntingly beautiful portrait of youthful dystopia, or something like that. It's funny. It's sad. It sounds like life. Everyone who's ever hated themselves but secretly known they were cool should give it a browse. Soon to be released as a film, so be sure you can say "The book was better," with authority. -- The New Thing "It seemed part of a larger pattern, accidents forming themselves into a dance of association." -Ian Rankin, "Black and Blue" *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw From misterw@mindspring.com Sat Jun 30 09:17:36 2001 From: misterw@mindspring.com (Wonderful Labs) Date: Sat, 30 Jun 2001 01:17:36 -0700 Subject: [Wonderful Labs] THE NOSE WONDERS Message-ID: <3B3D8B14.5A79976B@mindspring.com> Dear Mr. W., I have noticed that scented candles get my bowels working, especially the fruity ones. Does this happen often, or is it just me? ____________________ Dear Chamber Potpourri, I don't think you're supposed to eat them. ************** THIS IS A GOOD PLACE FOR A WONDERFUL ************** Mister Wonderful Recommends: "The Highbury Working" A Beat Seance by Alan Moore and Tim Perkins. Part of the Moon and Serpent Grand Egyptian Theater of Marvels, words by Mr. Moore and music by Mr. Perkins gather together in a fantastic cyberpop occult way to evoke the shadow history of a little patch of England. Plus, it's got a good beat and you can really dance to it. [RE:PCD03, http://www.steveseverin.com] -- The New Thing Bizarro No 1: Is dawn -- Time to go to sleep! Bizarro-Lois: Naturally, us sleep on floor instead of bed, unlike Earth fools! -"The Bizarro Who Goofed Up History!" ADVENTURE COMICS #297, June 1962 *Join Us* http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs We Are Those That Were And Shall Be Again... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html Swallow This http://home.mindspring.com/~misterw